Redneck Ghost Jokes

Question: Why was there a ghost in the out house?
Answer: He had to EV Pee

Question: Why do ghosts hate to perform in theatres?
Answer: They get tired of all the Boos

Question: What kind of street does  a ghost live on?
Answer: A dead end.

Question: Why did the ghost get divorced?
Answer: His wife found out he had ghoul friend

Question: What is a ghost with a broke leg?
Answer: A hoblin Goblin


Question: What beach front property do ghosts like?
Answer: Any where near the Dead Sea


Question: Why  do ghosts make great cheerleaders?
Answer: They're full of team spirit!

Dealing with ghosts that don't know they's dead

English: A RadioShack brand cassette recorder, with built-in microphone. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)You know, ghosts is a lot like people. They's stupid ones and dumber ones. Often times when we here at RGQ go on a haunt we have to try an figure out whether the spirits is intelligent or slow witted. You'd be surprised how many are dumber than a stick in some mud.  Listen to this recount of a recent EVP session. I'd play it but our cassette player broke before we could get it online.






RGQ investigator: What do you want from this family?
Ghost evp: Git out
RGQ investigator: We aint going no where until you answer us, so give us a sign you're listening.
Ghost evp: Shut your mouth
RGQ investigator : Can you see me? How many fingers am I holding up?
Ghost evp: 2
RGQ investigator: Wrong I was holding up 3.
Ghost evp: I meant to say 3
RGQ investigator: Do you want to cross over to the other side?
Ghost evp: I am on the other side
RGQ investigator: Can you speak into this here recorder?
Ghost evp: No
RGQ investigator: Do you know you're dead?
Ghost evp: No, prove it
RGQ investigator: Did you die in this house?
Ghost evp: Who says I died?

As you can see, this here ghost was in complete denial over their situation. We did some sage smudgin and praying and hopefully they moved on. They aint always too smart none either..as you can tell....

Redneck Ghost Words and they's meanin's

Ghost?! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)We going to do this here in A B C order so it is easy fer yall.


Aliens


This here's them little green fellers that like to do them probes in your hind end.

Anomaly
This here is when something is out of the ordinary, we don't use it much none cause people around here don't like big words.

Apparition
Now theys been quite a bit of debatin' over this one, but it turns out it don't mean a divider in a building--Freddie, and it aint no legal term Steve! Its actually a daggum ghost you can see, sometimes theys faint, and sometimes theys plain as day.

Asport
Now this here was another one that had us stumped for a spell. I thought it meant like a porta potty but I admit I was wrong. Freddie thought it meant when you move your butt from one place to the next. WRONG! Asport is when a ghost steals something from ya, and then returns it somewheres else you aint left it. Damn them. They stole my toilet paper a few times from me and it aint appreciated.

Ball lightning
Well again we didn't know what this was in our newbie days, I could have sworn this was something you did to yourself when you tried to light a pipe in your lap with a blow torch. What we found out was its actually a big old glowy red orb.

Channelin
Well what can I say, it aint when you got the remote control. I know, I know I was confused once about it too, but turns out this is what them psychic people do when they want to talk to ghosts.

Doppleganger
I can't tell you how many times I went into bar orderin this thinking it was a beer topped off with a little whiskey. Dang it, they always got it wrong, now Im thinking they didnt know any better than I did. Dang fools. Anyways, this here is when you got like a twin and theys actually a ghost.

Ectoplasm
I really thought I knew what this meant when I was younger, I thought it was Octopus blood but lo an' behold, it aint. Turns out this is some damn goo leftover from a spirit that is present. Sometimes it looks like mist and such in a photo. Freddie calls it "ghost poop" or "ghost snot."

EVP
Electric voice playin'

Franks Box
Now this one had us all God-slapped fer a spell and then we realized theys talkin about a daggum spirit box. These is so cool you ask it questions and it gives you the answer of the ghost. It sure as hell works a sight better than that damn 8 Ball we was shaking like a bunch of fools for a while.


Ghost Hunters
Thats us, and those other fancy fellers on TV that think the are so damn special. Just cause theys on tv dont mean they do anything better than we do. We just dont prance around in fancy vans and play with plumbing tools.


Hauntin
This here is when a ghost keeps coming back and making a nuisense out of itself.

Intuition
I thought this was something you paid to go to fancy learnin schools, turns out its about knowing things ahead of time before anybody has told you nothing.

K2Meter
This here doohickey shows when a ghost is around and it goes all fool and wonky and starts a pointing at numbers on a dial it has.

Levitatin
This heres when ya floating on the floor and what not. Ghosts do it a lot since they aint always got feet.

Manifestationing
This here is when a ghost comes to light and you all can see it, hear it, and sometimes smell it.

Near Death experience
When you die, but then God don't want ya yet, you have a near death experience. Cause he sends your sorry hind end back to earth cause you got stuff to finish like putting up wall paper in the kitchen.

Orbs
These is round ghosts. Dont believe them people that says they aint a spirit. They must be fool in the head cause these dag gum things show up only in one or two pictures even when you are standing still in the same spot so don't tell me these here aint paranormal they is!

Paranormal
Anything that aint normal, and is not normal in a lot  of ways is paranormal.

Questerz
Thats hunter like us on a Quest for ghosts and aliens and Big foot.

Residual Energy
This is when a ghost is lingering in a place all the time and is stuck doing the same crap over and over again, like passing from one room to the other at the same daggum time every day.

Seeance
This is when you all set together and call up a spirit to come and show itself before ya. When you all see it, its a Seeance. Git it?

Telekinesis
This here is when you can use the power of your mind to move stuff and fling crap around just by thinking about like in that daggum movie with the girl that had that pig blood on her head. She had this disorder.

UFO
Unidentified flying saucers.

Vortex
This is how spirits and evil specters git in your house sometimes. Its usually the hot spot in a house for ghosts and stuff.

White Noise
This ones complicated but you can go get that movie called White Noise and you'll see its about hearing voices in the tv when you put it on like channel 13 or vhf or what ever.

X ray vision machine
It is that thing we put on sometimes to see in the dark. Sometimes we use it for other stuff too but you didnt hear it from me.

Yeti
Its like a Sasquatch but it lives in the daggum cold places like Russia.

Zombie
These is voodoo type undead people thats died.

Well we know now that you are smarter than you was when you started reading this here post. You're welcome. Hope you come back for more.
~Bubba
RGQ admin.
Hey, people say our readers aint too bright, prove them wrong by subscribing to us on your kindle!

Ha! Ha! Them Ghosts is Funny!! ~ By Freddie.

Now I ain't one to play lots of practical jokes on people... I'm far from it. But this person called me and left me a message at the front desk of the hotel. Why am I at a hotel, you might as well ask? Well, them ghosts like to play jokes. I'll get into that into a bit from now. Now, back to where I was... I got a message from a man (friend of mine) who asked me to come over, kick back and have a few beers. My wife said it was okay to go as long as there ain't been no naked women of the nights. I told her that my buddy could not afferd one of them ladies and I didn't get paid this week from RGQ!!! Hint, hint!

Well, I got to my friend's trailer and he told me that he called me there because they's been ghosts frequenting the residence. So I put up a few cameras and a recorder to get some evp. That means electric voice playin'. Well, I had a beer or two and started to tryun instigate this ghost to come out. I told that ghost that he or she stunk and probably looked ugly. I heard something fall on the floor. I runned to it with my flashlight... close call, but it was just a big water bug fallin' on the floor from the ceiling. Whew, that was close!

'Bout that time, my friend had some cousins or something come over with more beer. Who am I to tell somebody who not to invite they's own house. Well, them cousins of his were pretty dern pretty! I then realized that I had forgot my wedding band at home and commensed to tell them that I was in fact legally married and that I could not get into any physical or mental contact with them at the moment. They understood and I kept my distance. We did not here much of anything but squeaks and noises, but I'm not sure if it was my stomach or my friends. I took the investigatorial stuff home to look at later.

Lo and behold my wife was hot as a fire ant!! She was diggin' through my pants and found a couple of opened wrappers for them profolactics, or in laymens terms: condemns. She asked if it was me. I said heck no! All I could figure out was that it was a ghost putting them in my pants pocket.... I didn't have no proof that it was a ghost, but it dang near has ruint my relationship! I mean, she is the last of my cousins that finds me attractive, so... that's why I'm stayin' at the hotel. I blame RGQ so the hotel bill is goin' to them! I wish they had a air conditioner!!

It Ain't Right, It Just Ain't Right to Steal from People!!

Daggum it! Hi, y'all... this is Freddie. I didn't not wanna' bring this up in this type of situational place but I felt compelled to do it. Somebody's been stealin' my evp and cameras. I had three rolls of film that was took too! I need this equipment for cases I'm investigatin'. It looks pretty daggum sad when I travel so many mile just to end up openin' up my cases and nothin's there! The look on the client's face was horrible! It makes us look really bad and immature when we been showin' up to do somethin' and we ain't got near enough stuff to do it!

I had to fake a smudgin' with some rolled up green paper! I don't know if you know it but I know that rolled up paper burns pretty daggum quick and it stinks to high heavens! This investigatory case was on a Sunday evenin', and of course all the walmarts was closed. Where did I have to find some stuff to work with? A daggum gas station! I looked pretty stupid standin' there at 10:00 pm lookin' fer rolls of film and them throwed away cameras!! I ended up havin' to fake some pictures to give them people. I don't like doin' that 'cuz it makes us look daggum bad, y'all!

Stealin' just ain't right!

Now I don't know who dunnit, but I oughtta take everybody down to the police station and have them all fingerprinted. The only problem is I ain't got the stuff to get the finger prints off of!! I'm leavin' the situation open for anybody that took my stuff to put it back quick like! If I have to travel another long 20 miles with no equipment again, I'm gonna' get some angry, I tell ya' what!! And don't give me none of that there crap about checkin' before I leave... I done that the other night and it still got took before I got to the clientele's trailer!!

Somethin' Wicked This Way Wafts!!

RGQ! We needin' some big time help! My wife, Erline and I had recently bought an old house that was on the market since 1985. For some reason nobody wanted to buy it. We got it at a good price, so we decided to go 'head and git her. It's a fixer upper, but that's alright since I am currently unemployment. My wife works flexible hours at Wal-Mart, so we can get a lot done when she's home. We were goin' through the whole house tryin' to fix everything that needed it and we got to the second bathroom. That's where all the mess hit the ceilin' fan!


This room has got to be a portal of the damned! As soont as we walked into the bathroom to think about what color shelf paper to put on the walls, this really bad smell come up to our noses! It was more foul than what you usually smell in the toilet, iffin' you get my drift!! Well... we couldn't stand bein' in there for long so we ran down the hall and threw some stick-ups down the hall towards the bathroom! Hopefully a little vaniller scent would do it some good.


We started seein' dark shadows, or what you call specters?? Well, they was runnin' into that bathroom kinda' like you do with IBS. I wouldn't think a ghost could have irritated bowels, but.. who knows? This dark, sphincter specter kept goin' in real fast, stinkin' up and leaving the bathroom. I checked the toilet after one time and there was a weird smell and somethin' floatin' in the water... I ran outta there faster than Dale Earnhardt in Darlington!!

This ghost has a butt problem and needs to be dealt with fast like! We're afraid to even cook anythin' in the kitchen that would be too hot or spicy... just in case this ghost was sneakin' in the kitchen an' eatin' our food. I set up a tape recorder to catch an evp myself... and lo and behold there was somethin' on there. All I can say is that it sounded like a man-wolf! It was growlin' and then moanin' and then growlin' again. After a few minutes of that we heard a splash!! The toilet then sounded like it was flushed, but I'll leave it to y'all to investigate it further. Please help us get rid of this gassly ghost! ~ James R. Bendenover

Dear James,
It would helped if you had a good pic of the toilet, but aside from that, we have known specters to hang around toilets. We don't know what the attraction is, but if you leave a magazine in there, chances are I will stay a spell myself, provided the toilet flushes. We can come and conduct an investigation, but this sounds like you can erradicate this ghost yourself. Light a candle, sprinkle some salt around and in the toilet, spirits don't like salt. Have the spirit crossover with a prayer, and sprinkle more salt in the toilet and give her a flush. Let me know if this works. If not we will have Lulu get in touch with ya.
Bubba

Ghosts is smart!

Image via WikipediaHey everybody, this here is Bubba, and you may remember I was talking about some new things we were working on in the tech department that would fool ghosts into thinking we weren't there to bother them..well we finally did an investigation using the initial prototype of the EMFlyswatter 2000, you may recall we said this would be a modified flyswat that would have the ability to detect a ghostly presence.  I figured walking around with a flyswatter would be a familiar site to a ghost in the south, since we tend to have more flies than paranormal stuff and that's sayin ' a lot. Well turns out the ghost was not fooled, in fact we just recently got back from what they call around these parts as the Sheffield Sugar Shack. A little out of the way place that was built back in prohibition times, also known as a juke joint. The place had a long standing reputation of having been haunted. Many fights broke out and many deaths occurred.
Well whatever ghost that is there is an intelligent spirit, as I sat down the EMFlyswatter2000  for a bit to go do some evp work and when I returned, there was three dead flies stuck to the EMFlyswatter 2000.  I wished I had thought to turn the camera on that EMFlyswatter 2000, but I didn't think the ghost would bother it. After all, it was supposed to fool the ghost. One thing I do know is, the EMFlyswatter may not be able to detect ghosts, but it sure is one helluva flyswatter, worse case scenario, I may market it all the same.  Damn.. Ghosts is smart!

My Hunting Dog is Haunted, I Swear!

I was out fishin' the other and my hunting dog, Lisa, starting actin' all crazy! I pulled into a fish and put it up on the side of the creek and Lisa just jumped all of a sudden and started chewin' it's head off!! Well, now what I need to tell ya is that Lisa is a pretty fat dog, and it ain't like she's missed any meals... kinda like me but that's a difference story to tell.

Well, anyways, we got back to the trailer and I let Lisa out the back of my chevy truck and she commenced to startin' to run around chasin' her tail. Here's the thing... her tail had been cut off a long time ago after a bad ordeal with a coon. I started wonderin' if there was somethin' in her drinkin' water, so I took a sip of it to see if it was okay. It seemed just fine to me... just a little warm. I put some ice cubes in there for her as it were a hot day.

Well, anyways, we was inside watchin' operation repo with Lisa sittin' on my lap. All of a sudden she jumped up and started barkin' at the door. The only problem was there weren't no door where she was barkin'. There used to be a screen door but the last good storm we had took that sucker off to the neighbors yard. I ain't seen it since. Well, anyways.. Lisa kept on a barkin' for about a good hour and I finally got up to see what was goin' on. I didn't see nothin' anywhere.

At first I thought she might just got a hold of a good glimpse of a roach on the wall, but I didn't see none. She had this weird look in her eyes like she was about to bite somebody, namely me! I looked at her and said " You can do if you wanna"... she runned off to the bedroom and jumped on the wife's lap. She was fine until the next day when she was yellin' at the wall again. I could'a swornt I saw a dark shadow standin' right there where she was carryin' on a fuss! I think she might be with the devil inside her because I coulda swornt I saw her with red eyes!

Please help me ghost questerz! Bubba Galstones

Dear Bubba,
This here is Bubba of RGQ, hey we got the same name? Well aint that weird, but weird is what we here at Ghost Questerz is all about. Anyhoo, we don't investigate animal per se, but we know a feller that is called by some the Goat Whisperer. He can read the minds of Goats so maybe he can tap into whatever is ailing your dog. Let us know and LuLu will set it up. You have to give us some time as the Goat Whisperer is a busy man what with Goat Whisperin. His name is Gene and sometimes  he drinks too much but he was able to find a missing goat in only 3 hours once. 

ghosts is alive!

Image via WikipediaDear admin,
It has come to my attention that they is people sayin mess like ghost aint real. What a load for the commode! I have seen them many times, and will be glad to update ghost questerz from time to time. For right now, lets just say I believe what I seen, and I seen what I believe. Not trying to get too deep on your reading audience and what not but ghosts is alive, period.
Right now we are workin on some ghost huntin equipment that is meant to look like ordinary objects so as to fool the ghosts into thinking we aint there to bother them we just walking around talking to ourselves. Some of the ones on the table in the "idea" stage are as follows: Flyswat devining rods, tin foil fishing caps (so they and ufo's can't read our mind), chewing tobacco scent cover up, solar powered evp device. We think we got a few big ones there and hope  to market them on this site and others.
Until our next haint hunt, which is slated to be in Pillsbury landing, Tennessee we bid ya farewell.
Bubba ghost butt buster